Insurers have accused the government of allowing trifles such as squaring the Brexit circle to distract it from following up recent victories in the War on Whiplash (WoW).

A lamentable dereliction of duty at the highest levels, they warn, has seen the strategic initiative surrendered to claimants and their allies, allowing them to regroup and retrench.

In his autumn statement last year chancellor George Orkspawn promised insurers a ban on cash payments for whiplash claims, with neck-rub vouchers taking their place.

Since then, of course, Orkspawn has been exposed as a pro-European and frogmarched off to the ignominious nether regions of political obscurity. Tragically, however, WoW seems to have gone with him.

Insurers like Uvavu have well truly had enough of WoW inaction. A deal is a deal, they insist, and a cash ban must be implemented without delay.

Uvavu clams director Robbie Toolshed believes British society is riddled with a vile moral sickness – a sickness only radical and urgent surgery can cure.

Uvavu have consulted the great British people and received from them an overwhelming mandate for rooting out the disgusting and degenerate disease of whiplash compensation once and for all.

“Our research,” Mr Toolshed claims, “shows that the British public is sick and tired of the toxic compensation culture that has increased premiums, fraud and nuisance calls.”

It’s all a bit like one of those bandstandy things that goes round and round at fairgrounds with children riding on the backs of wooden horses vertically transfixed by rising and falling poles, he argues.

“It’s time to end this compensation merry-go-round and cut the cost of motor insurance for us all,” Toolshed says, adding: “It is clear that the British public is fully behind the reforms.

So come on HMG. Forget all this Brexit nonsense and let’s rid ourselves of the shameful sickness that allows foreigners to make out that their necks are 27 times less fragile than British ones.

How can we hold our heads high as a free-trading ready for business (any business) nation on wibbly-wobbly necks like those? Liam Fox was right, we’ve all grown flabby and spineless.



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