While some of us are hard at work performing endlessly tedious and repetitive desk-based duties in return for a pitiful handful of meagre crust, the likes of Bankstone Top Dog Dickoff Tygro are off livin’ la vida de Riley at the 777th Motor Claims Needleworking Lunch (aka I Heart Clams).

That’s right, this Friday lunchtime, DT is (or probably was by the time you read this) hobnobbing his heart out with the great and the good of the glamorous world of motor insurance claims. Alright for some!

What’s more, they’re probably feeding him (as if he needed feeding – some of us are starving here – so starving we might have to have another go at that pizza that fell face down last week – assuming it’s still under the desk somewhere).

But they’ll be no dust dappled deep pan pepperonis for Tysore. Oh no! He’ll be merrily filling his four-eyed face with all manner of sweetmeats and mouth amusers, all freshly fresh from the food preparation facilities of top London hospitality venue Gran’s Connaught Dining Rooms, rubbing shoulders (and other non-intimate body parts) all the while with a veritable galaxy of stellar luminaries including famous footballer and dolphin waxer Paul Immersion.

Paul helped Arsenal win the League Cup, Effay Cup and Cup Dinners Cup, the programme tells us (and not in a dubious and reprehensible way like how Putin helped Trump win the U.S. presidential election – but by scoring an amazing 99 goals). Merton also played for Middlesbrough, Aston Villa, Portsmouth and Walsall, the programme says. So he must have been a busy boy.

A somewhat garbled text message just in from Dixon “Thumbs” Typo has revealed exclusively that The Consumer Intelligence Best Claims awards were won by Uvavu, L(V)%, Saga and Direct Lie. Mr T also informs us that he is sandwiched between “the hard working David Simonize of Cop Art fame and the hard work Dave Bamford of Entire Logic”, resulting in a complete absence of dull moments. Mr Bamford, DT confides cryptically is “a legend in his own fitted kitchen”. What on earth can he mean?

Topics such as #brexit and the inauguration of Donald Jay Tramp (also being celebrated today) are sure to (have) come up at some point in the guests’ increasingly booze soaked and incoherent conversation as a grotesquely protracted luncheon staggers on interminably, with smoggy dusk descending all the while upon the capital’s streets outside. But mostly they’ll just be talking about claims.

Even so – think of all that free food and wine.


Merson: “Just happy to have made it out alive. Off down to William Hill now. Laters, Insurance Dudes. Let’s do it again some time.”



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