May 31, 2012

Hats off the PR people at managemycomplaints.com who managed to get at least one insurance trade magazine to publish a flimsily veiled advertisement for its (soft)wares this week on the back of the startling revelation that the FSA may fine firms who aren’t very good at handling customer complaints.

“Insurers and brokers could face severe fines and reputational damage,” the warning came this week, “if they do not comply with changing FSA complaints rules, technology company managemycomplaints has warned.”

mangemycompliants.com has conducted exhausting new research that conculsively demonstrates that exactly “nearly 94% of UK SMEs use spreadsheets or paper files to manage customer complaints and feedback, and that some have no system at all.”

Imagine that – using a spreadsheet (or paper files or no system at all) when there is a company out there (managemecomplains.com that offers a perfectly-tailored software solution to help firms manage their complaints optimally!

“Using spreadsheets might not be enough to prove that every stage of a complaint has been recorded,” warned managemypants.com head of marketing Andrew Eldred. Custom-tailoring his standard SME press release bespokely to the specific individual needs of insurance journalists, he noted that “Sectors like insurance are already undergoing more reviews by the FSA and it’s having an impact on these businesses. When the FSA is reformed [sic] the scrutiny will get even closer.”

“It’s going to cause some companies a problem,” Mr Earldredd predicted gloomily. Unless of course they use a dedicated web-enabled complaint-management solution (like that offered by managemyeggplants.com, for example) that is very quick and easy to set up (as there is nothing to install or download) and which is simple to use and yet very powerful and starts from just £55.

Inspired by the success of managemycodpiece.com Bankstone News now plans to issue a press release of its own to the national media highlighting the hazard of pistachio nut thumb nail injuries. It will probably go something like this:

Research carried out for Bankstone News has found that almost 94.6% of pistachio lovers have at some time suffered thumbnail damage or injury whilst prizing apart the shells of this popular savoury snack, with one in three sustaining nail tearage rating as “serious” or “quite literally horrific”.

Bankstone News’ head of ancillary product development Davey-Jane McManus comments: “These are deeply disturbing findings. Left unchecked, this epidemic of thumb injuries could quickly undermine the very fabric of British society in these economically uncertain times.

“A backlash against pistachios,” he added, “could potentially threaten the jobs of millions working in pistachio importing, processing, distribution and retailing up and down the country, as well as depriving ordinary hardworking people of the simple decent pleasure of munching on a handful of their favourite nuts.”

Happily there is a solution. Bankstone News is pleased to announce the launch of a revolutionary new thumb protection/nut access solution designed specifically for pistachio fans. The patent Mr Nutty’s ClawThimble™ thumb-mounted pistachio shell removal system enables even novice users to open even the most recalcitrant of shells simply and painlessly without the least risk of nail damage.

A surefire winner, we think you will agree.

Mr Nutty's much admired nut sacks

Mr Nutty with his much admired nut sacks.


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