What turns decent ordinary law abiding Brits into ‘users’ of claims manufacturing companies (CMCs)?

That’s a question that’s been bothering the Legal Ombudsman (pictured below).

So great was the extent of the Ombudsman’s botheration, that he turned in desperation to research outfit OiGuv to do look into the matter.

Brace yourselves. What OiGuv uncovered will shock you to your core…

The wealth of in-depth micro-profiling data assembled by OiGov paints a startlingly detailed picture of the average CMC user.

A picture which, if were ever to fall into the wrong hands, could enable less scrupulous CMCs to target likely customers with a precision rivalling that of the infamous Cambridge Analerotica.

On which basis, perhaps we should ask that you keep everything we’re about to share with you strictly hush-hush and entre nous!

Although, given that the Ombudsmen has already sent a press release out to all and sundry giving away these priceless insights, maybe it’s a bit late for that.

The first stunning discovery to flow from OiGov’s painstaking interrogation of almost 3,000 British CMC users is that they’re almost certain (the users, that is) to be fans of Strictly Cone Dancing.

Yes, that’s right, good old Strictly! So next time you’re sitting down to watch your favourite celebrities cantering through the Tanga, Seltzer or Rum Bar with some so-called ‘professional dancer’, just take a moment to reflect that you’re doing so in the company of the kind of people who rush into the perfidious and abusive embrace of so-called CMCs, thereby inflating the premiums of decent ordinary policyholders like you or me – assuming (rather generously, given your taste in TV) that you really are decent and ordinary.

What else do we know about CMC users? They tend not to be terribly well off. They are predominantly white (perhaps with patches of other colours somewhere about their person?), and they’re typically the wrong side of 45.

Another tell-tale trait that distinguishes CMC-users is their tendency to watch Celebrity Big Jungle or whatever it’s called (the one with those funny little men, where they eat testicles and things).

Why, you might ask, would the Ombudsman risk putting this highly sensitive information into the public domain? Bizarrely, it seems he thinks that by painting a pathetic and pitiful picture of CMC users, he might shame CMCs into not ripping them off quite so egregiously (e.g. by keeping the lion’s share of any payout for themselves).

According to Penny Meddling, who speaks on behalf of the Ombudsman, “We hope this will help claims management firms understand their customer base better and how important their claims are to them, particularly if they have lower incomes.”

“If they understand how their clients are thinking,” Penny reasons (e.g. ‘Which one is Dec again?’ or ‘Where can I get one of those see-through shirts like that Davood bloke’s got,’ “it can help to reduce the number of service complaints.”

It’s a theory, Bankstone News supposes.


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