If you’re a young person, you’re probably feeling a bit anxious about life these days. There’s all kinds of stuff you could be fretting over. Bad hair, spots, Brexit, Trump, those naked selfies Mark says he deleted but I bet he hasn’t, etc. etc. Let’s face it: there’s plenty for you young folks to worry about.

You may be worrying about some of these things while you’re driving – assuming you’re not too busy texting, snapchatting, jizzvoxing or whatever. Or, more likely, you’ll be worrying about one of the five top causes of young driver anxiety identified, with pinpoint forensic infallibility, by leading provider of cars and/or telematicized motor insurance for young drivers, Marmalade.

Yes, yes, stop your endless wittering, you’re probably thinking. Why don’t we just cut to the chase and tell you what’s eating junior drivers. Alright, then, we will. Sit back, relax and, to the accompaniment of Brian Faherty’s immortal Pick of the Pox theme At the Sign of the Swinging Single, and in a voice not altogether unreminiscent of the late grape Alan ‘Fluff’ Freeman, allow us to count you down.

Alright? Not half!

Daaah-daaah-daaah dah-duh-daaah daah-duh-duh-daaah

Greetings, Worry Seekers!

In with a splash at number five it’s Driving in Bad Weather by Gayle Warning and the Deluge.

Da-duh, ting-tinky-ting

Moving up two places at 4, it’s Three Point Turn with their their new number Parking and Manoeuvres.

Duddle-uh, Duddle-uh, Duddle-uh, Duddle-uddle-uddle-aah

A non-mover for the second week running at 3 it’s Stan Dinsdale’s Busy Traffic in Town.

Da-duh, duh-duh, Da-duh

Second time around for the Gyrotones at number 2, it’s Junctions and Roundabouts

[Extended pre-climactic musical bit, which Bankstone News can’t really be bothered to spell out in words for you]

A surprise new entry on the top of the charts this week, it’s a lovely ballad from the equally lovely Kara Rye. This week’s number one is Breaking Down.

[Cue Kara]

So there you have it. We’re back in our normal voice now, btw (kind of a Telly-Salivas-meets-Peter-“Wallets”-Sallis sort of a voice). Who would have thought youngsters were anxious about things like bad weather, parking and manoeuvres, busy city traffic, junctions and roundabouts and breaking down. When you’ve been around the block as many times as Bankstone News has, you’re more likely to worry about things like remembering to take a pound for the trolleys at Aldi, getting pulled over by the cops ‘after lunch’, where to wipe those KFC-greasy fingers, which pedal does what, and, of course, not driving the wrong way up the motorway again.

The good news, if you have the misfortune of knowing any anxious young drivers, is you can stop them worrying by simply getting them to put a ‘black box’ in their cars! It’s true! Just ask 21-year-old shop assistant and Marmalade customer Mike Haslam. “When I first passed my test I had a few concerns about certain roads,” Mike admits, “and it made driving more stressful that it had to be.”

But, Mike says, having a black box in his car is “great.” The box told him, for example, “that I am most unsafe on roundabouts. As a result I have changed the way I drive, being careful to slow down earlier and not brake as hard.” Net result: worries banished!

That’s right, adds, Marmalade CEO Crispin Mover: “Feeling anxious behind the wheel can put a lot of stress on a young driver and make them more at risk on the road, as it affects their concentration.” But, however badly things go out there on the road for anxious young motorists, Crisp consoles: “For those using our black box policy, they always have a way of looking back at their journeys.”

So if you’re an anxious young driver, maybe you should get a Maramalade box too.

Although, if you’re a young driver, shouldn’t you be reading our sister publication BS Newz-Buzz?


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