February 27, 2015

There’s some new law coming in, right, that says letting your kids have a cheeky puff in the motor could get you a fine of £10,000.

Ten Grand? They’re having a laugh, aren’t they? Driving without insurance (now that’s a proper crime) only gets you a three-hundred-quid fixed pen, plus a couple of points.

Hold on, though. It gets worse. From October this year, even just lighting one up yourself, with the nippers on board, could get you an £800 fine!

How do I know all this? From a press release put out by Alley Ants Insurance, who claim they’re having sleepless nights about the 34% of drivers who don’t know about this new smoking ban thing.

Well, thanks a bunch Alley Ants! Haven’t they heard about ignorance is bliss/nine tenths of the law or whatever. Now I’m having sleepless nights imagining my little lad’s face when I have to tell him our days of sharing a crafty rolly in the van on the way back from the pub will soon be over.

Just when he’d got the hang of rolling them nice and tidy too.

Nanny ******* State!

Although, as it goes, I’m none too sure Alley Ants have any idea what they’re talking about. Their press release says smoking at the wheel distracts drivers, when any idiot knows it’s an aid to concentration.

“The majority of drivers who smoke (67%)”, they say, “acknowledge that it does affect attention levels.”

Yeah, they probably said it ‘enhances’ them or something.

Then it gets even more daft, with 82% (allegedly) saying they can’t handle having a natter on the mobile without losing concentration. Really?!

Oh yeah, and 52% can’t can’t multi-task enough to operate the in-car entertainment system safely; 33% can’t scoff a McDonald’s The Grand™ Meal without ploughing into the bus queue; and (get this one!) 19% can’t handle “noisy passengers”.

Noisy passengers? Crank Dire Straits up to 12 (don’t tell me yours only goes up to 11?), stick a lit fag in their incontinent gobs, and, bingo, you’ve got yourself a Total Concentration Environment!

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