December 4, 2017

Does the world sometimes strike you as a dangerous and scary place? It does? Then you’re exactly the kind of person who could benefit from a new information service brought to you by Bankstone News.

In this and future editions of Bankstone News Hazard Alert, should there be any, we highlight current issues about which you should probably be worrying – or worrying more than you already are.

The first of our three hot tips for anxiety-focus this week is pies.

Now, pies may seem like harmless tasty fun to you. But are they? Are they really? Ask yourself this: how do I know what’s in my pie? The literally terrifying answer is that you NEVER truly know what’s in your pie. Why? Because it’s all wrapped up in pastry or some such, and unless you packed it yourself, there could be literally any old rubbish in there.

A case in point is Morrisons’ Traditional Chicken & Mushroom Pie. If you’ve recently eaten one of these, you might have noticed something fishy about it. The fishy thing you noticed would have been fish. For fish is what was in these supposedly ‘traditional’ C&MPs, according to food standards agency the Food Standards Agency.

Makes you think, doesn’t it!

A second thing you should maybe fret about some more is snow. A lot of people – maybe you’re one of them – have some dangerous misconceptions about snow. Snow may look all fluffy and sparkly and white, but it’s literally deadly in a thousand terrifying ways you couldn’t even begin to image.

For example: if you try to walk in snow, you’ll slip up and shatter your elbow, or coccyx, or something. Attempt to drive in it and you’ll spin slowly and elegantly through 1080 degrees before disappearing off the side of the road into a tree-lined ravine, there to be discovered, fateful days later, frozen stiff and badly gnawed (perhaps while still alive) by hordes of hungry squirrels.

Snow happens just when you least expect it (especially in winter), and when it does, there is literally nothing you can do, except maybe stay at home if you have a good supply of biscuits, herring, and ideally some sherry.

Our third and final top tip for those concerned they may not be worrying enough (or about the right things) is worry itself. That’s right: top scientists have discovered that worrying is really bad for you. Stress and anxiety can quite literally hasten your demise by years, if not whole decades. It works like this: when your brain experiences anxiety, your body secretes special chemicals that make you die more quickly.

A pretty scary thought, I’m sure you’ll agree. But try not to dwell on it – or your days may be cut short, and then you won’t have enough time to worry about all the other things you should probably be worrying about.

More on that in the next edition of Bankstone News Hazard Alert.


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