The A-Z of a great day out

March 19, 2018

As everyone should know by now, Insurance Endurance is the UK’s leading self-drive kart track experience for those with a passion for all things motor insurance.

If you don’t know that already, then you J-well should (you can educate yourself by reading about it here or here or here).

In the meantime, we thought we’d have a go at encapsulating the enduring appeal of this most gruelling and time-consuming of motor-sports-themed competitive corporate entertainment and networking get-togethers. So, ahem, here we go:

 

I is for Insurance, motor Insurance in fact, but there’s no M in Insurance Endurance

N is for Nothing that immediately springs to mind

S is for Sexy which is how everyone will look in those snug-fitting all-in-one karting overalls

U is for Unisex (see sexy all-in-ones above)

R is for Really fast which is the speed at which those super-speedy new karts go

A is for A great day out, which is what you’re sure to have at Insurance Endurance

N is for No, I still can’t think of anything

C is for Catering, which will definitely be better than last year’s!

E is for Eating, which you can now safely do with C above

 

E is for Ever fancied yourself as a Formula 1 driver?

N is for Nothing. I still have Nothing

D is for Day, a great one of which you’re sure to have at Insurance Endurance 2018

U is for U – because it just wouldn’t be the same without U there!

R is for Rain which will certainly not be stopping play at this event!

A is for Anyone who is Anyone, who’s sure to be at Insurance Endurance

N is for Now this is getting ridiculous – could you please stop asking about N

C is for Catastrophe, which is what it would be if you were to miss this event

E is for the End, which this is of the list above, mercifully.

 

So that’s the nation’s number-one naughty but nice competitive karting experience in one neat little nutshell!

Now you know all that – don’t dilly-dally – get clicking/keying and book your team places today!

March 18, 2018

Who said ‘My word is my bond’? No, it wasn’t Roger Moore. Well, alright, maybe he did call his autobiography that, but who else said it. Or, you know, whose catch-phrase is it?

That’s right (we know because we’ve just looked it up), it was London Stock Exchange. Except London Stock Exchange apparently said ‘Dictum me impactum’ because she’s probably really posh or something.

Basically, what it means is something like: if I tell you I’m going to do something, then you can be pretty darned sure I’ll do it, come hell, high water, or adverse environmental conditions of any other kind, for that matter.

Like London Stock Exchange, insurers have their own posh motto about how you can count on them to do what they say they’re going to do. Or at least the poshest ones who live in boxes in Lloyd of London’s do.

The insurance motto is ‘Uber immer fides’ which translates roughly as ‘Always super faithful’ and, as with that dictum thing above, this basically means you can count on us – our word is as good as a handshake which, in turn, is as good as a contract signed in blood and secured on our mothers’ lives.

The only problem is, not everyone’s convinced they really can count on their insurers. In fact, a lot of people are pretty sure they can’t.

Shocking new research unveiled by a shadowy body known only as The Syndicate (but allegedly something to do with another almost equally shadowy entity known as the ‘Protection’ Review) has found that insurers are the least trusted companies in Great UK today.

Bizarrely, people trust bankers, shops, airlines (even Ryanair), Google and websites like Go Compare the Supermeerkat more than they trust insurers.

Roughly 48% of those questioned by The Syndicate said they didn’t trust their insurers to pay a claim, while 53% said they’d rather keep their money under their mattresses than entrust it to an insurer on the off chance they might someday get some back.

The good news, is that The Syndicate is mostly only interested in life insurers and others firms involved in the so-called protection racket.

It’s entirely possible that if they’d asked people about their motor insurers, they would have got a very different response – one of total and implicit trust, in all likelihood.

But I’ll bet we had you worried for a moment there, didn’t we!

March 17, 2018

Out-saucing specialists Capita have sold direct medicals group Medicals Direct Group to premier medical group, the Premier Medical Group.

Premiere Medicals have been at the forefront (i.e. the bit slightly in advance of what would traditionally have been considered the front) of the medical reporting and screaming market for as long as anyone can remember (i.e. since sometime in the mid 90s).

Now its acquisition of Medical Direct Group will allow Premium Medicals to move still further ahead and ultimately to achieve its strategic vision of moving further ahead even than the forefront and thus achieveing universal recognition as “the leading [leadingest?] provider of the highest-quality medical reporting and screening” services “across sectors in the UK.”

Premiers Medical Group already employs 230 people “across four offices in the UK” to which it can shortly add Medical Directs’ “Nurse network and screening and reporting resources”.

The purchase will also enable Premiere Medicals Group to get its hands on Medicals Direct Groups’ “renowned service platforms, portals and data management capabilities.” This is definitely a good thing, because it will create “a multi setting screening network” for the combined groups’ customers and help to satisfy their “evolving” demands.

Combining Premier Medical Direct and the Medicals Group will enable the combined entity to do some more investing in technology, which again should help with the whole forwardness project.

One particular advantage that an integrated PMGMDG creates is “exclusive access to WARP technology” an MoJ-compliant electronic platform that circumvents traditionally conceived obstacles to faster-than-light travel (i.e. the requirement for a virtually infinite input of kinetic energy posited by Einstein’s theory of special relativity) by warping space itself to deliver market-leading turnarounds.

A good many other exciting benefits will accrue from the Premier Medicals Group Direct Medicals Group takeover. If you’d like to know more, you can fill yourself fully in right here. Or maybe here.

And why wouldn’t you want to do that!

March 16, 2018

In this week’s idle raking-over of the quickly cooling coals of Bankstone News’ former glories, we whisk you back to September 2015. Who couldn’t forget the time when we reported the busting of a major car crime gang whilst heavily under the linguistic influence of Anthony Burgess’ semenal opus A Chocolate Orange! Well, just for the Hull of it, and to save us writing something new, here it is again… 

Working hand in rooker with specialist millicent squad NCA (National Crime Agency), fraud bankrotzers APU are all boasty this week about how they struck a bolshy great tolchock against an internazzy auto crasting shaika that was nabbing UK 4x4s and karrabling them off to Far Ugandaland, O My Brothers.

These oomny chellovecks were hoovering up a horrorshow stack of deng, crasting dorogoy off-da-rocker vehicles, autos of the clefless kind, you pony, My Droogies, and then dooking them off, via Oman and Mombasa, to Ugandaland capital Kampalaville.

Sans doubt, you’re all agog, with glazzes wide and ookos pricked, to slooshy how this artful banda got loveted – and quite a zammechat raskazz it is too, My Droogs. So now, bez further fillying about, your humble narrator shall tell thee all there is to tell of it.

Unbenazzed to those fine young auto crasting vecks, the lewdies at APU came up with a horrorshow oomny malenky veshch (what they call a pravnuk pokoleeny (4G) trackster) that gets skrivatted somewhere inside your auto, there to send out digilectro signals that let APU viddy where your auto ittys if and when some grazzy malchick skvats it.

This oomny malenky ustrozva let APU smot a dorogoy top-of-the-kallexa Lexus getting crasted in dear old Londograd and then get vistied, in lovely malenky containys, all the way – via the afore-skazatted mestos – as far as distant Kampalaville in darkest Nayugaland, there to join 28 other roskosh autos in some merzky moodge’s compound.

When a gromny great horde of Nayugaland millicents came a-clopping at their door, pooshkas at the ready, those internazzy crasters caught on horrorshow skorry that they weren’t so oomny as they’d messelled.

A whole bolshy oozy of auto crasters, from UKapital to Kampaville, have now been skvatted by the rozzes, had their pretty polly repurloined, and off will itty for a yudny malenky spell in staja. All in all, a horrorshow example of teckovecks and millicents rabbiting in perfect harmonia.“Working with the police and security services in Kenya and Uganda,” utterstated NCA veck Paul Stainfill, “we have been able to dismantle an international criminal network that has been responsible for stealing high-value cars from the UK and exporting them to East Africa.” Old Stainfill govoreeted on all gloopy about how the millys couldn’t have done it without APU and “its unique technology” and its “innovative method of locating the asset.”

His actual slovos those are indeed, My Droogy Brothers, and not a slovo of a losh.

Any veck that cares not to vereet me can kiss my potny sharries.

Click on the image above to access revolutionary online translation tool.

 

March 6, 2018

According to the latest estimates prepared by industry ‘body’ the Association of Brush Insurers (ABI), the average British comprehensive motor insurance policyholder can expect to spend somewhere north of £30k in premiums over the course of their driving lifetime.

Just what does that outlay secure – other than impunity from prosecution for driving without insurance and the ‘piece of mind’ that comes with opting for fully comp motoring? Basically, it gets you about 10 average motor insurance claims (currently running at just over £3k a pop – a new record, incidentally, fact fans!)

So if you get a licence at 18, and drive til you’re 85, say, that means you need to make an average one motor insurance claim every six or seven years, if you want to break even. Or it would if we assume a constant relationship between average claims costs and average premiums.

You could, of course, enhance the return on your insurance spend by submitting a rapid sequence of above-average insurance claims. But, of course, you won’t be paying an average motor insurance premium for long if you push your luck by claiming big and often.

But Jimmy Dalton of the aforementioned ABI warned consumers of motor insurance products this week that sinister forces are at work distorting the aforementioned relationship between average claims costs and average premiums, so that decent ordinary policyholders are paying more for less.

That’s right those sinister forces are your own government. Not even the EU, this time, weirdly, but YOUR OWN GOVERNMENT (they can get away with that sort of thing here, because they’ve stripped us of the innate human right to guns and ammunition – but that’s another story). And it’s all because of three pieces of rank stupidity which urgently need fixing. One is so-called Insane Punishment Tax (IPT). Another is foot-dragging over banning lawyers, PI claims etc. The other other is the topic of the following paragraphs.

In February last year the then-Lady-Chancellor Elizabeth ‘Mad Lizzy’ Truss slashed the calculation known as Ogden’s Rake – used to calculate how much insurers are entitled to trim off payments made to long-term injured claimants to allow for profits they’ll make investing their winnings – from 2.5% to minus 0.75%.

This Jimmy D, reminds us, is the lowest Ogden’s Rake figure in the entire western world (obviously ‘they do things different’ further east). So low is it, in fact, that it assumes life-changing-injuries people and/or their carers are investors of a positively Trumpian order of ineptitude – and actually need paying more than they’re entitled to!

Clearly dickering with Odgen’s Rake in this bizarre and reckless fashion was always going introduce additional costs into the whole insuring-things equation. And when that happens it can only mean one thing. One thing that’s neatly encapsulated in the headline statement from the ABI’s press release, which states plainly that: Britain’s motorists are paying a heavy price for delays in the Government implementing its proposals to reform how the discount rate is calculated.

The nub of it is that HMG is so tied up with securing the best possible deal for Britain (as we break free from the suffocating embrace of the EU and raise our eyes in ambitious anticipation of the glorious dawn of a boldly global Britain free from foreign influence) that it’s entirely back-burnered fixing Odgen’s Rake – or, as now seems likely, replacing it’s with something better fit for purpose in this modern age: Dilman’s Dibber, perhaps, or, just conceivably, the increasingly fancied Tysoe’s Trowel.

Come on HMG, pull your finger out an ease our motor insurance premium pain!

Little progress on Ogden as HMG dithers.

March 5, 2018

As Wilkins Micawber never tired of emphasising, the difference between solvency and insolvency can have a very significant influence on mood.

On which basis, unrated Danish insurer Alpha may currently be feeling in need of: some quietly convivial quality time with low-pressure social acquaintances, a gently crackling open fire, and perhaps the odd candle or two.

Wont, as they may be to clock off mid afternoon and cop off for some wholesome family fun with their jersey-clad, country-music-loving spouses and bairns, Danish regulators are singularly averse to having the metaphorical wool drawn across their organs of ocular perception.

In consequence of which – prior to rejoining their familiar bosoms for banjo practice accompanied by lashings of pickled herring and a few hearty slugs of Gammel Dansk – said regulators have ‘slapped’ the aforementioned Alpha with an order requiring them to ‘develop a recovery plan’.

Why have they done this? Why, because Alpha have been deemed to have significantly overstated the value of various monies supposedly owed to them and are hence very likely to find themselves unable to meet their capital solvency requirements.

Separately, as they say, but by no means irrelevantly, the Central New Zealand bank has ordered CBL Insurance not to pay €25m in reinsurance claims to Alpha and are seeking to put CBL into liquidation.

All of which should make life more interesting than strictly necessary for Alpha ‘going forward’. But if they’re going to recover anywhere, surely Denmark is the place to do it.

In the meantime UK-based businesses who’ve rashly formed associations with unrated Alpha will doubtless be keeping a wary eye out for further… wait… what’s that, liquidation you say?

Well who could have seen that coming!

March 4, 2018

As regular readers will probably have spotted by now, at Bankstone News we spend a lot of time speculating about our readers’ dreams. Last week we wondered whether you might be harbouring secret hankerings after a career as an F1 driver. This week we’re forsaking such ludicrous delusions for the more realistic project of wondering whether you might ever have fancied yourself or your corporate vehicle of choice as the sponsor of an F1 team.

Imagine the thrill of seeing a brace of cars plastered with your firm’s branding lining up on the grid then senselessly colliding with one another on the first lap as intra-team rivalry leads to high-speed impact with barriers for both your beautifully branded cars.

That’s quite a thrilling kind of thrill, I’m sure you will agree. In fact, it’s so thrilling a thrill that it would probably be a bit much for you. What would suit you better, may we humbly suggest, is slapping a bit of your branding on the F1 Challenge car at this summer’s Insurance Endurance kart racing event.

That’s probably more than thrilling enough for you. And, better still, it’s a hell of a lot cheaper than sponsoring a Formula 1 team, which is basically the only other way you’re going to get your branding on an F1 car.

Ignite did it last year (see below), and it certainly made them happy. And let’s just say, exposing themselves to a large audience of motor insurance movers and shakers in this manner certainly didn’t do this thrusting, go-ahead insurance software provider any harm!

So hurry, hurry, get your sponsoring hat on quick, and snap up this unique opportunity before someone else snaps it up first. Visit the Insurance Endurance website for further details.

And do it now, for heaven’s sake!

You too could feel this happy!

March 4, 2018

For this week’s trip down Mammary Lane, we whisk you abruptly and unceremoniously back to 2014, when Derbyshire leg end Davey Sim made his debut as Bankstone News Motoring Correpondent.

Take it away Davey:

Ey up, mi Ducks! Davey Sim ‘ere.

Now, I always say I’m a fella that needs no introduction. But if I didn’t, and I weren’t, I’d say I’m a more or less a wit, raconteur, bon vivver and all-round man of many parts.

Not to mention: I’m officially second greatest Derbyshire man ever, right after Henry Royce of Rolls Royce fame (and what with ‘im being dead, top slot’s fairly up for grabs).

I’m also Bankstone News’ new motoring correspondent. As such, I’ll be your guide to today’s hottest rides, from Mazdas to Maseratis, Bongos to Bugatis.

For kickoffs, Dickson Tystone has axed me to try out this sporty little runabout ower in Buxton. Belongs to some lass named Rachel who’s some type of solicitor or whatever ower Macclesfield way (i.e. outside sainted pale of Derbyshire – but let’s not ‘old that against her). He’s scribbled ‘er address on serviette. Says she’ll be out somewhere local, but she’ll leave keys on ‘all table.

When I get to ahs though, front door’s locked. I can see keys reet enough through letter flap, but I’m firkin mi ‘ed ower how to get at em. But then I have this sort of brainwave. I chew up a wad of spidge and whack it on end of cane out of Rachel’s yard. That ‘ooks em quick enough.

Rachel’s ride is an orange Audi A5 Cabriolet 3.0 tdi Quattro.  Dickson says she had a black one before but something happened to it. Something involving a canal and some bloke called Butch or some such. Seems a bit cagey about that, so I don’t pry. Anyroads, keys work reet enough, and before you know it I’m in.

For a bit, I’m just sitting there, slorming about in plush shiny interior of this shonshy little machine, getting what I call “the feel” of ‘er. Then I clock spidge wad’s found its way off cane on to mi kecks and off them all ower Rachel’s upholstery. Good thing it’s leather, I think as I scrape some of it off and stick it somewhere up under steering column.

Time to burn some rubber. I gun ‘er up and ‘ed out on Bakewell road to find a little place where I can get a nice pot of tea, a taste of the world’s finest regional tart, and I reckon I’ll take in a fair old stretch of prime Peak District tarmac along the way. God’s own A road!

Engine on this little beast is no way wanky. Quite a little rocket. So much so, I end up taking a couple of stray sheep out along way, and give this pair of old folks quite a scare. You should have seen smockravelled looks on their clecks as they stumbled back up bonk. Me yelling “Gerraht way!” and chuckling like a lallabiddle all the while.

It’s all going nicely, with the curvy little Audi purring away like a brimmin’ she-lion as I wang ‘er round bends, reet up til somewhere past Taddington where A6 goes all bendy through some trees and I may have just gone a tad off road, and maybe clonked a tree or two, just lightly. There’s no denying, motor’s a write off, though. German rubbish.

I call Tystone on mobile to ax ‘ow long he’ll take to get ower and pick me up. All I get for reply’s this pitiful scraitin’ like a chuntering werrat. When ‘e finally gets some words out, e’s got a fair old munk on, and just keeps saying ower and ower: “Oh Dear, Oh Dear. Rachel’s not going to be happy.”

“Owd yer sweat,”I tell him: “She’ll be reet enough for salvage.

The bits that aren’t orange at least!”

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