Up hill and down dale

April 27, 2015

With M day now just a few short months away, excitement continues to mount around the impending Mountain Monkeys charity monkeybiking weekend.

Event organiser Stick-on Ty-phoo is encouraging participants not to suffer alone, urging everyone involved to distribute copies of a specially commissioned print-it-yourself flyer to everyone not involved, in an effort to dilute the suffering and raise yet more money for those pampered layabout flyboys over at life saving airborne ambulance service the YAA.

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April 27, 2015

Insurance leaders rounded on incoming APIL president Johnnie Wheelie this week after he suggested that insurance firms might be dragging their feet over settling claims from terminally ill claimants, on the basis that they might be cheaper to settle in a post-demise environment.

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April 26, 2015

With just 10 days to go until the General Election, Pet foods to driving tips conglomerate IAMs has hit out at the UK major political parties for failing to stipulate in their manifestoes that people getting killed on Britain’s roads is a bad thing.

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April 26, 2015

“I’m always on the lookout for more cars,” Southport-based Harley Street physician Mr Titus Odedun told the Southport Visiter recently, “though it’s difficult to find places to park them all!”

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April 20, 2015

THIS!

IS!

YORKSHIRE!

That’s what we’ve been yelling all morning here in the Bankstone News office .

We do this every April 20th to celebrate the date on which the immortal Brighouse 300 held off an entire army of Lancastrian raiders at the battle of Greetland Gap.

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April 17, 2015

There’s been some pretty rum goings on of late at Bristol based modelling-clay-to-legal-expenses-insurance outfit DAS. The latest casualty of said goings on is the firm’s former head of legal services (presumably someone else took care of anything illegal) Kathryn “Morty” Mortimer.

Her departure from the beleagured UK branch of German-based DAS (whose full name, of course, is Deutsch Amerikanishes Schnipp-Schnapp) was covered by most of the insurance press this week. But this, it seems, was no ordinary dismissal.

Bankstone News has no news to impart (as ever) about the precise nature of whatever transgressions may have led to Ms Mortimer’s departure – but it must have been something pretty bad as she was apparently subjected some rather extreme unpleasantness on her way out.

A report in authoratative industry journal Insurance Ape stated that “Das has confirmed that Kathryn Mortimer has left the company following an internal probe” adding with seemingly gratuitous reiteration that Ms Mortimer “left following an internal investigation.”

Someone at DAS prepared only to be identified as “a spokesman” then had the temerity (perhaps ironically) to “thank her for her contribution” and “wish her well in her future career.” Words that must have rung pretty hollow in the ears of the cruelly abused departee.

Given the shameful manner in which Ms Mortimer has been treated, former DAS man Paul Asprin will doubtless be congratulating himself on having jumped ship earlier this year before the firm had a chance to probe him.

full

April 17, 2015

Ignorant fools who know no better would like to pretend that Andover is the sort of place where nothing interesting ever happens.

Such people repeatedly visit websites like I Live Here to brand this charming Hampshire town the armp*t of the universe, the a*sehole of the universe, the ******* of the universe and so on.

Such people might like to reflect that Andover boasts an Iron Age museum, close proximity to proper towns like Winchester, Basingstoke and Newbury, branches of several leading banks, shops and supermarkets, and a wide range of thriving local employers including the Ministry of Defence, Stannah Stairlifts, the MOD, Quartermaster General, M.O.D. and RAF Andover.

Such people might also like to consider that Andover is the birthplace of such luminaries as football legend Nigel Spackman, Reg Presley of rock legends The Troggs, and legendary Manfred Mann drummer Mike “The Legend” Hugg.

In reality, Andover is a buzzing hub of energy and creativity. Why, only just the other day local man Jaymz William Charlton Clarke-Tomlinson (surely one of the most original and interesting names in the entire UK) was singled out for his outstanding entrepreneurial enterprise in selling more than 150 completely non-existent motor insurance policies to local people.

Jaymz, 33, recently pled guilty at Southampton Crowd Court to 18 counts of fraud by false representation and one count of forgery following an investigation by crack anti-insurance-fraud squad the iFEDs.

OK, so it might not have been 100% legit, but you can’t blame a man for trying.

With that kind of initiative and entrepreneurial spirit alive and well in SP10, all those t*ssers who talk sh*t about Andover will soon be laughing on the other side of their ******** faces!

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April 16, 2015

Startling new figures from the Confusing Towels motor insurance premiums index reveal that, just as Gaz Hoffman of Hashtings was predicting in last week’s Bankstone News, an impressive rally in the price of motor insurance could be just around the corner.

How, one can’t help wondering will US-based The Hangover feel about their rash decision to exit the motor market by offloading Chaucer on weirdly named offshore insurance outfit Marketsturdy when they see that motor insurance premiums held more or less steady during the first quarter of 2015, with no one categorically denying that they might start rallying surprisingly vigorously at some point in the not impossibly distant future, just as the Hoff predicted (see last week’s BN).

The widely respected Confusing Car Insurance Price Index, compiled by analists Towels What’s On, found that the average annual comprehensive policy during Q1 2015 was £591. That’s down just 0.5% on the previous quarter: highly encouraging news for waverers in the UK motor insurance market, although obviously it would have been nice if premiums had carried on increasing as they did in Qs 3 and 4 of last year.

But it’s probably just a blip reflecting seasonal adjusted pricing or something, and cast iron underwriting discipline is sure to return before long.

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