December 20, 2013

Windscreen wipers have an important job to do. Clearly. But, let’s face it, they’re a bit rubbish really, aren’t they. They squeak. They leave smeary marks. They keep needing to be changed. A bit like babies, really, only less endearing.

Wouldn’t it be great if one of those boffin types could come up with something better? Well, guess what, all you wiper-weary people out there, they just did!

Incredible but true! Loud car makers McLaren have invented a revolutionary new way of keeping detritus off windscreens – without using wipers at all! They invented it after seeing a remarkably similar invention used in jet fighters.

The invention, it turns out, involves using ultra high-frequency soundwaves to create a forcefield that stops anything sticking to the windscreen.

There are high hopes the system will soon be in use on McLaren’s full range of supercars and baby buggies, so anyone with a mid-range six figure sum to splash out on a new motor can soon wave goodbye to insect gut splatter and all those other visibility impairing annoyances. Which means in a year or two’s time we’ll all be blade-free.

Never again will you accidentally fill your oil tank with pre-mixed budget screenwash. Safari park apes and lank-haired bucket-and-cloth trolls lurking at the lights will soon have nothing to pull off the front of your car. Crank the frequency up a notch or tow, and birds, bats, drunks and cyclists may soon be bouncing harmlessly off your windscreen too.

The inventors are reasonably confident their ultrasound technology will not melt anybody’s brain or make their ears bleed or whatever. The sounds are so high pitched they are completely imperceptible to human hearing. Don’t expect your dog to want to ride along though.

But seriously, who’d take their dog in a McLaren? Now in a Merc maybe.

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