December 23, 2014

Say what you like about pint-sized, formerly pompadoured soccerist Raheem Sterling, but this young man certainly has talent.

He may caper about like a hind-legged lemur crossing open ground, or a double spouted teapot on crazy jinking legs, but there’s no denying the boy has talent.

You might say he has a bit of an ego, detect an almost Sturridgean sense of self belief/entitlement, or observe that, with that piled-up afro-quiff thing, he looked like a Purple-Rain-era Prince or, more bluntly, like a preening perfumed ponce.

You might say any of these things, especially if the newly-shorn little chap wasn’t there in person to give you a surprisingly chilling Westside/JA Gangster stare, but the there’s no question about it: the lad has talent.

Twice previously escaping conviction following alleged altercations with lady friends, however, the proud winner of the 2014 Golden Boy of Europe award, has now pled guilty, at Wirral Magistrates Court in Behrkhenhed, to the heinous crime of keeping an Audi A3 without insurance.

No one seems to know exactly why he was keeping an A3. Not when he has a perfectly good Mercedes C 63 AMG with 6.2 litre V8. But apparently he was. Even if no one was accusing him of actually driving the uninsured compact executive hatchback.

With the threat of a maximum £1,000 fine equating to around 2% of the not-entirely-princely £70k weekly wage packet reputedly being dangled before him by current and prospective future employers Liverpuhl, Starling must have been quaking in his fancy orange knitted ankle-boots (or possibly the pair left behind by Luis ‘Pacman’ Suarez, the effort of filling which was said to have left Startling too tired to shine for England in Estonia).

Happily however, Stripling’s guilty plea cut the fine to a more manageable £600. Failure to file a SORN, however, is the kind of schoolboy error than which the just-turned-20-year-old should most certainly have known better.

Let’s just hope it doesn’t ruin his Christmas.

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