November 19, 2010

What do women want? What does anybody want for that matter? What the hell is Bankstone News on about this time?

Duellists demand it. Keith Richards couldn’t get any – although Cliff Richard claimed improbably that his soul was getting it on a regular basis from a “living doll.” Best not dwell on that, probably.

We speak, of course, of that elusive commodity, satisfaction. Much sought after, seldom attained. It is this, according to someone called Rachel Swift, who has asked them all personally, that the ladies crave (*though see below for an older, more plausible, but thematically less helpful answer).

“Satisfaction is not something you can get simply from a description or a drawing,” warns seasoned scouse sex kitten Kim Cattrall in her best-selling self-help guide Satisfaction for Dummies, thereby appending a telling epitaph to the fruitless quest of countless confounded connoisseurs of specialist literature down the ages.

So where can satisfaction be had? Perhaps from Aquarium Lighting Fixtures whose website promises 100% Total Satisfaction Guaranteed. Inconveniently, however, they’re based in the US. Other US outfits like Airsoft Automatic Guns or Sushi Making Kits might also be worth a try. They both promise 100% Complete Satisfaction. Or if you’re in Dubai, Quiet Generous Girl, Full and Sexy, Hot and Juicy appears to promise something similar.

But this week news has reached Bankstone News’ ever-avid news ears of a potential source of satisfaction rather closer to home. In a survey conducted by some bloke called J. D. Power (probably a Texan, we’d guess – or from Barnsley via a deed poll name switch), 300 year old insurance firm RSA (formerly Sun Fire Office) bestirred its ancient bones sufficiently to come first in a poll of UK motor insurers for giving its customers satisfaction.

Coming first isn’t always a sure fire recipe for providing satisfaction; but in this case – beating off a stiff challenge from saucily named rivals LOVE (formerly Liverpool Victoria “satisfaction guaranteed”) and Sheila’s Wheels – it seems game old-timer RSA truly is still cream of the crop for satisfaction delivery.

Mr Power also discovered that “policyholders who interact with their insurance provider through a local broker are much more satisfied than policyholders who use other contact methods such as call centres, websites, e-mail or automated phone systems.” Which just goes to show (n.b. Cliff Richard) that when it comes to getting satisfied, you can’t beat personal service.

One disturbing finding, however, is that Britain’s motor satisfaction seekers are showing a worrying propensity to disloyalty and faithlessness. “Furthermore,” says Mr Power’s somewhat pompous spokespiece Jeremy Blower, “44% of customers overall switched insurers during the past 12 months, which represents nearly £3.5 billion in premiums that were up for bid. It’s clear that focusing on customer retention can bring insurers substantial benefit in reducing costs and boosting profitability.”

If you say so, Jezza.

*What women really want, of course, is nothing so simple as satisfaction, but, as Arthurian knight Sir Gawain famously discovered from the formerly-loathsome latterly-lovely Lady Ragnell is “that they will have their will.” In other words, they want what they want, and generally they want it when they want it.


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