July 16, 2015

In a week dominated by disturbing and unexpected developments (corruption detected at FIFA, Ukraine ceasefire violated, global warming not halted after all), perhaps the most disturbing news of all came with fresh poll findings from old-school fuddy-duddy comparison site UsWitch.com, which revealled that just 14% of Brits keep a special pair of driving shoes in their cars.

“It may seem a bit old fashioned,” says Tracey Tassels, a leading insurance expert who works for UsWitch.com, “but driving shoes are a must have accessory.” Her stern injunction, sadly, appears to have gone unheard by the vast majority of Brits. Although, as previously noted in Bankstone News, women are better than men. One in five women (22%) keep designated driving footwear in their cars, compared with just 8% of men.

The shocking truth is that, whilst most Brits are perfectly well aware that incorrect shoes cause accidents, they continue to throw caution to the wind, tearing round this nation’s highways and byways shod in flip-flops, Croc knockoffs, Uggs (ditto), rugby boots or Wellingtons. There are even reports that some people (surfers, nudists, lunatics, etc) have been apprehended driving quite literally barefoot.

Perhaps more worrying still are reports that women, male cross-dressers, flamenco dancers of either sex, transgenderists and very short people have been witnessed driving in heels so grotesquely elevated as to make it impossible for them to operate a vehicle’s foot pedals without laboriously contorting themselves into strangely unnatural postures, thereby severely compromising their ability to respond celeritously to abruptly altered road conditions.

“It is incredibly worrying,” worries traditionally-minded Tracey, “that some people are putting themselves and other road users at risk by attempting to drive in shoes they struggle to walk in – whether they are heels, spikes or even slippers.” (She means the shoes, presumably).

“You wouldn’t wear a hat that covers your eyes,” Tracey insists, “so you shouldn’t wear shoes that impair your driving.” This analogy, sadly, will be wasted on the likes of fast-car fanatic Jamie Roquai, who reportedly likes nothing better than speeding along with a beaver pulled down tightly on his head.


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