April 28, 2016

If you’re anything like Bankstone News, and congratulations, incidentally, if you are, you probably find that scarcely a day goes by when someone doesn’t tell you about some new app that will enable you to do something you hadn’t previously realised you wanted to do but now somehow allow yourself to be persuaded that you do.

Modern life is positively replete with apps for this, apps for that, apps that allow you to do more things than you even knew there were to do.

How refreshing, then, that employee tricking software company Rome X has come up with an app that does exactly the opposite! Called [whatever it’s called – it doesn’t say here – and we can’t be bothered to go trawling the interweb in a quite possibly futile attempt to find out], this revolutionary new app actually stops people doing something!

Specifically, since you’re bound to be wondering by now, it stops them using their mobile phones whenever they are moving at anything faster than walking pace (according to GPS data streamed live to who knows where – along with every last scrap of unrelated data on the victim’s phone).

Not only will this stop users getting distracted when they’re supposed to be driving, it will also – for example – prevent them using their phones as stand-in satnavs (very unprofessional and frankly rather cheapskateish), answering calls when out jogging, and – best of all – chuntering away on the train when fellow passengers are trying to concentrate on guzzling canned cider, stuffing their gobs with cheese ’n’ onion crisps, and contentedly browsing [insert name of vaguely pornographic men’s ‘lifestyle’ publication/lady’s dressing up and dating tips mag].

Previously only available (presumably under duress) to employees of motor fleet operators, [insert name of app here] is now being exclusively offered to everyday members of the public (possibly via their insurance companies, whom Romeo X is attempting to persuade to offer their customers reduced premiums in return for compulsory installation and use of [insert name of app here]).

Steve Arse-Scott of RomeXXX admits his company are deliberately “targeting” young people, confessing candidly that “we’re approaching younger drivers,” a practice he justifies with the justification that “they’re the ones most likely to be glued to their phones.”

How or why anyone would want to glue somebody to their phone Bankstone is at a (weakly comedic feigned) loss to understand. But “we just report it,” as they say.

Oh and if you’re worried that the app might prevent anyone in a perilous (non-stationary) scrape from calling for help, don’t be! Users can disable the app at any time by pressing the “I’m a Passenger, Honest!” button, thereby regaining full access to their phones.

Can’t say fairer than that!

Unknown-2


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