June 30, 2016

In the wake of what patriotism requires Bankstone News to insist was the “shock” decision of England’s footballers to exit Euro 2016 at the first available post-group opportunity, a stunned and forlorn nation casts about blindly for someone who can fix this mess.

With Woy Hodgson, pwehaps wisely, doing a wunner before being told, in no uncertain terms, one assumes, to do one, to whom should we now entrust the vital national task of trying not to be utterly crap at footy?

It is a generally acknowledged truth that the people of this country have had enough of experts. On which basis, dare we suggest, Bankstone’s own Dixie Titleist might be the very man for the job.

Dixo, as older readers may faintly recall, has some fascinating and not altogether ridiculous ideas on how to remedy this nation’s apparently ‘mixed’ ability to play our national game.

The first of the rickety pillars on which Dicko’s cunning plan rests is the contention that pretty much any Premiership team could see off any English national side of recent vintage.

Rickety pillar two is the notion that the Premiership is the “best league in the world” (and let’s not examine this one too closely, as it’s the only other proper pillar we have).

Vigorously rubbing pillars one and two against one another magically creates a much-needed third pillar in the form of the logical deduction that the best team in the Premiership could beat any national side in the world. At a trot, probably. Maybe even after a few beers and 20 Bensons.

With a moderately sturdy tripod now in place, Dickoe proposes the creation of a brand new top-flight team, comprising English blokes only, established with the specific purpose of creating a world-beating national team.

Clearly in a pre-Brexit Britain there might have been a few obstacles in the path of such a project. Obstacles, let’s say, of the ‘discrimination on the basis of racial or national origin’ kind. But now, of course, we can do what we like and the forriners will just have to suck it up, because We Wun!

And if you think Dixon’s just another rabble rousing loon with plenty say but no coherent plan. Believe me: you could NOT BE more wrong. Let me tell you Folks, Dicks has a wonderful plan. I’ve seen his plan. And it’s beautiful. Believe me, this guy has it all worked out. Bigly.

The first thing that must be done in order to put Project UK Footy into practice is to relegate two sides from the Football League at the end of the forthcoming season and elevate just one from the benighted hinterlands of non-league.

Meanwhile three teams will be dismissed from the Premier League  and only two promoted – a move cascaded down through the leagues – to make room in the Premiership for the newly formed (all-English league and national side combined) Three Lions FC, managed, if there is any justice in this world, by none other than Dipsoe Tycon himself.

The Lions will play their 19 home games at Wembley, each of which is sure to attract a capacity crowd. Who would not, after all, want to see their favoured side of over-rated foreigners pitted against England’s finest. This home fixture programme alone would comfortably generate (£50 x 90,000 x 19 =) £85m in ticket sales.

The finest English players would naturally gravitate towards TLFC, blessed as they would be with the finest facilities and the finest coaching team (see comments regarding DT’s presumptive role as manager above) and top position in the league would be more or less guaranteed within a couple of seasons max.

Gone would be the endless arguments over players being released from club duties to play at international level. Gone too the endless moaning about them coming back with career derailling injuries.

To the extent that there were any semi-competent English players left to play in them, other Premiership sides would be reduced to the status of feeder clubs for the national team. Naturally they wouldn’t mind, for, as Nietzsche or Blake or somebody so aptly observed, the worm forgives the plough.

In theory, qualification for the Champions League would be more or less inevitable. In practice, there might be questions over eligibility for both this and the FA and League Cups – leaving TLFC players to concentrate their energies on their league and international commitments.

In future editions – his duties as England coach permitting – Bankstone News will bring you Dickton’s solutions to the Palestinian, Riemann Hypothesis, and Meaning-of-Life questions.

Something to look forward to, at least.

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