August 22, 2014

Brace yourselves, Dear Readers, we have deeply upsetting news to relate.

The organising committee for this year’s much anticipated Monkeybike charity fundraising tour of Yorkshire have reluctantly concluded that the event must be cancelled due to serious concerns over the safety of those taking part. The culprit, as Yorkshire residents will not be surprised to learn, is paint.

That’s right: paint.

Triumphant success as it may have been for all concerned (aside from its British participants) the recent Tour de Yorkshire cycling thing left the region’s roads heavily daubed with crude legends promoting an array of disreputable special interests, the amatorial entreaties of publicity-minded local suitors, and the cause of public obscenity in general.

The resulting paint slick has rendered Yorkshire roads all but impassible to two-wheeled motor transport after even the lightest sprinkling of rain. Fears that persistent tendrils of fallen bunting may still pose a threat to riders along certain sections of the route merely confirmed the committee’s view that cancellation was inevitable.

“Under such conditions,” noted committee chief Commander Dickson Tysley, “we simply can’t risk our riders out there. Provided the scrubbers have done their work and the streets have been cleaned up over winter months, Monkey Whatever We Are Calling It This Time will of course be back, bigger, better and less paint threatened, than ever in 2015.”

All those who have already taken advantage of Bankstone’s unmissable discount offer to splash out on a brand new monkey bike in preparation for the event, are advised to consult page 43 of the small print wherein it is stipulated quite clearly that a refund will NOT be available in the event of cancellation for whatever reason.

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