October 23, 2016

Seasonally sex-crazed deer are causing carnage on Britain’s roadway network. So, at least, says Tony Sanguine, Wildlife Czar at Highways England. And you can bet your bottom dollar he knows what he’s on about.

According to dandy Highways man Tony, there could be as many as two million hormonally agitated deer  (rendered insensible by lust to even the most basic elements of the Highways Code) just waiting to leap out in front of your vehicle at the slightest whiff of upwind pheromones. It’s October, warns Tony and deer are on the move!

How many deer related accidents can we expect by the end of 2016? Ooh, around 74,000, reckons Tone, with deer expected kill around 20 human UK persons and injure roughly 500. It is at this time of year, the so-called Season of Rut, that deer are at their deadliest.

Basically, what these nasty lecherous cloven-hoofed creatures do is lurk around in wooded areas waiting until the hours between sunset and midnight (when their feral sex juices are at their most turbulent) to go cantering about in a frantic search for (typically) same sex deer to sh*g or opposite sex deer to f*ght, utterly regardless of any oncoming vehicles with which they might collide in the process.

Utterly spent, these vile and shameless beasts then rest between midnight and dawn – at which point the most abject and depraved among them rouse themselves afresh for a supplementary burst of sexual frenzy around dawn, prior to more rest and refuelling during the daylight hours.

So from now until they finally rut themselves out, sometime around the turn of the year, you’re best off fitting a heavy duty ‘deer bar’ or better yet staying clear of woodlands and other known deer haunts altogether.

And to think we’ve been wasting all this time culling badgers! It’s high time the government declared a War on Deer (WAD).

For more on other woodland hazards, those of a sterner disposition my wish to click here. For more on deer click here.

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