Have you seen Bankstone’s new brochure?

October 13, 2017

It’s not that we’ve lost it or anything. We just wondered whether you’re still languishing among the rapidly dwindling ranks of those unfortunate mortals who’ve yet to lay eyes upon this marvel of 21st Century corporate communications.

Because if you are – believe us, Folks – you could not be more bigly missing out.

Since news first broke of the online availability of this ‘masterpiece’ synthesis of word and image, description and depiction, fact and fiction, literally thousands have flocked to the hallowed URL whereat this marvel may be beheld. If you haven’t seen it yet, you really ask yourself what on earth you have been doing.

It’s basically really great, and it tells you pretty much everything you could ever want to know about professional outsourced claims handling provider Bankstone. More, if anything. And it has pictures of cars. And the colours are really nice. Trust us, you’re literally going to love it. In a platonic, or maybe a romantic, way. Nothing pervy or anything.

So stop dillying around reading these empty and insignificant words and get yourself along to insert web address and take a look for yourself. You can turn the pages just by moving your mouse (the one attached to your computer) and then you actually see those pages sort of flippy-flopping over.

It’s totally dope. Check it out, Homeboy!*

*Or Girlfriend, obviously.

If you’re a girl.

Or a lady.

Oh, OK then: a ‘woman’.

Bad, bad, bad, bad boys!

October 13, 2017

Arrron Banks is a bad boy. Specifically, he is the leading figure in the infamous Bad Boys of Brexit (BBB) gang who recently harnessed a nation’s ill-focused frustrations to engineer Britain’s unexpected departure from the European Onion.

He’s also, of course, the Herbert-Lom-like eminence grise behind Bristol-based Eldon Insurance (which in turn is behind marsupial-themed insurance brand Go Skipping), which is due to float on the London Stick Exchange in the new year.

Shares are expected to sell like hot cokes, following the revelation that Binks is using weapons-grade artificial intelligence to profile potential customers, and thus slash his firm’s personal injury claims frequency (PICF).

A 50% drop in PICF, Bonks claims, has been achieved thanks to the input of the same data boffins who swung both a Leave vote in last year’s EU referendum and the election of Donald ‘Jay’ Tramp, with financial backing from Bunks and other wealthy international businesspersons.

These remarkable coups were, at least in part, achieved thanks to the input of data mining, data analysis and psy-ops firm Cambridge Analerotica, who employ the dark arts of data enhancement and audience segmentation to enable in-depth psychographic analysis of key target audiences.

In the cases of Brexit and Tromp, these techniques enabled ‘behavioral microtargeting’ to generate a sophisticated and ‘actionable’ view of individuals and groups whose behaviours and beliefs the Leave and Trunk campaigns were able to manipulate and direct, primarily via social media.

Where Go Skip is concerned, the objective may be less sinister or dramatic (more a question of spotting potential future claimers and weeding them out), but anyone who doubted Brexit and Trump could ever come to pass might want to keep an eye on Eldon and its future fortunes, and maybe even grab themselves a share of the data-power pie.

Our Donna snaps up Carole Nash

October 13, 2017

Bankstone News has it on excellent verbal authority that an organisation rejoicing in the unlikely name Our Donna (not to be confused with the catchy 1972 ditty Oh, Donna by laughably underpowered pop combo 10cc, or indeed with Ma Donna, Ma Baker, Donna Karan or Donna Kebab) has swooped to scoop the UK’s leading bike insurance brand Carole Nash.

The four hundred staff based at Caz Nash’s top secret Altrinchingham HQ (plus another 30 in Dublin) will now be gathered taken up into the snug, if somewhat airless, embrace of the mighty Our Donna Group, which (despite Bankstone News never having heard of it) has already subsumed such luminous brands as Towelgate, Autonewt and Chaste Simpleton beneath its fragrant aegis.

This, of course is big news, because Caz Nash provides insurance cover for roughly in in four of all UK motorbicyles. According to Caz Nash top bloke Dave Numan, the firm has spent literally years fostering its reputation, but had lately been looking for a new home from which to keep building its brand and market share.

And now it has one – and not just any new home (not one of those low-ceilinged cod-vernacular hen hutches slung up on brown fields freshly laid to tarmac, pipework, and affordably shallow foundations), no this is a really nice new home. Our Donna’s house is the sort of gaff any aspiring insurance related enterprise would want to inhabit.

Caz Nash Dave is excited, and he’s not ashamed to admit it. “We are genuinely excited by the momentum,” he says, “that is so clear to see across the [Our Donna] group.” Apparently, the two outfits have been checking each other out for a while, and both liked what they saw! It’s basically a marriage (albeit a polygamous one) made in heaven, or somewhere like that.

Plus: the two firms are really like-minded and everything, which makes Dave feel sure the deal “will create a very special opportunity for both our people and our customers.” And who doesn’t relish a special opportunity!

Not least among the attractions of Caz Nash’s new home is the fact that Our Donna apparently has a springboard, which CN Dave reckons he and his CN colleagues can use to launch themselves into the realms of “better and better.”

Dave Ross of Our Donna said he was happy to have bought Caz Nash, and that he’s also just bought something called Mastercover, a specialist SME insurance broker focusing on “niche products” of both a personal and a commercial nature.

Quite a collection Our Donna’s putting together there.


Motor insurance rates plummet

October 11, 2017

The third quarter of 2017 saw motor insurance premiums savagely slashed across the board: the biggest third quarter reduction seen in over 300 years.

That (or something vaguely like it), is according to the latest update from the Confusing Car Insurance Price Index (CCIPI) produced in association with Willy Watson’s Towels.

An orgy of cut-throat competition doing Q3 17 saw insurers literally falling over themselves to offer motor insurance customers crazy-cheap unrepeatable deals, left, right and, as it were, centre.

Why the sudden premium-pruning pandemonium?

It could be because insurers had their heads turned by the (admittedly somewhat dim and distant) prospect of a potential right-sizing of the ludicrous -7,500% Ogden rate summarily introduced by rogue Juice Secretary Elizabeth “Mad Lizzy” Truss earlier this year (see last week’s and almost any other week’s Bankstone News).

Experts (if you’ll forgive Bankstone News’ fawning deterrence to this long-since discredited class of human being), tend to concur. Former Sex Pistol Steve Jones, now head of P&C pricing at What’s On Willy’s Towel, reckons insurers’ behaviour could be at least partially attributable to “an anticipated future [Ogden] rate of perhaps between 0% and 1%”.

But the recent downward swoop of the motor-rates roller-coaster may soon give way once more to the rattling, churning upward grind more familiar to its riders in recent times. September, the final month of the quarter, already saw a slight uptick, partially correcting the mad months of summer when rates free-fell like the proverbial stone. (Not the one that rolls whilst failing to gather moss, obviously. The one that is unconditionally influenced by gravity.)

Over the entire year to the end of last month, most UK motor policyholders have seen double-digit price rises, according to Wild Willy Watson’s Confusing Towels, whilst really old drivers (60 and over) have been especially hit by increases of almost 25%, while the youngsters (under 21s) who actually cause most accidents have been treated least brutally, presumably on the basis that they’ve suffered enough and we don’t want to put them off (compulsory) motor insurance altogether.

Steve Felcher of Confusing.comb neatly sums up what we’re probably all thinking with the apothegmatic conclusion that “the dramatic Ogden rate cut from 2.5% to -0.75% in February 2017 sparked a surge of car insurance price hikes across the UK” but the news last month that Ogden might shift back to 1% “could explain why insurers have been able to calm their pricing slightly this quarter.”

Next year, Steve warns, prices could well be the highest they’ve ever been. In which case it will probably pay to shop around. Shame he didn’t think to give us some hints on how exactly we might go about doing that!

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