April 18, 2016

We are saddened and disappointed to report that this week’s Bankstone news story has gone missing, with a deliberate act of vandalism or theft strongly suspected.

We profoundly deplore this selfish and antisocial act of purloinment and will implement all possible procedures to secure its return and bring the purloiner to justice.

At this point, the identity of the person or persons responsible remains unclear, but we are actively pursuing a number of leads, which appear to indicate that one or more of our own readers may have been responsible.

If any of you has something you would like to tell us, in strictest confidence, we hereby undertake to act with all possible leniency, given the severity of the offence… although, inevitably, as we feel sure the culprit themselves will fully appreciate following an intensive non-elective programme of re-education and re-habilitation, some kind of an example will need to be set.

To qualify for the above-described ‘Punishment Lite’ option, you have until 3pm today, Monday, to return the story. Failure to do so will regrettably entail our swift and savage descent, tonne of bricks style, upon your sorry a*s.

So kindly do the decent thing, thereby helping us to help you and averting the unedifying prospect of letting Bankstone News, its readers, and, worst of all, yourself down any further than you have already.

If you have any knowledge that could potentially assist in the relocation and/or recovery of the missing Bankstone story (but intend to make out that it wasn’t you that took it), please contact editor@bankstone-news.co.uk for a trivial in-kind reward and/or remorseless prosecution based on your suspicious and incriminating knowledge of the story’s whereabouts.

With sincere thanks, in advance, for your full and prompt cooperation.

You know it makes sense.

Resistance is useless.

Amen.

Unknown


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