September 24, 2017

Life is full of disappointments, isn’t it.

Jacob Rees-Mogg never wrote back to thank us for getting that tattoo. Neither of those lycra leaflet ladies ever called. And – no matter how long Bankstone News spends lolling on it -there’s never any spare change down the back of the office settee when it’s pub time.

But it wasn’t just Bankstone News that was disappointed this week. Bremoaners were disappointed that we might not be shot of the EU ’til 2021. Remoaners were disappointed we might still be leaving at some point. And big yellow insurer Uvavu was disappointed, it announced, because its crazy-driving-stunts TV ad has been banned by jumped-up so-called regulator the Advertisers’ Standing Authority (ASA).

The ad (inspired by a very similar bit of film produced by Spanish car magazine Autopistas (Drunk Drivers) in which Formula 1 bloke Sebastian ‘Bastibas’ Vettel (disguised by means of ludicrous stick-on facial hair) subjects unsuspecting vehicle owners (probably actors) to a terrifying stunt drive round an industrial estate), features former F1 driver Davey Coolturd (disguised by means of ludicrous stick-on facial hair) subjecting unsuspecting taxi passengers (probably actors) to a terrifying stunt drive on The Queen’s highway.

Despite Uvavu plastering the opening frames of their 60-second ad with ‘Don’t try this at home, Kids’ type advisories, the ASS (who received in excess of 57 complaints) failed to see the funny side and deemed the ad reckless, irresponsible and likely to encourage reckless and irresponsible driving – and possibly the wearing of disguises characterised by ludicrous stick-on facial hair. So they’ve banned it.

Anyone now wishing to witness the lantern-jawed Scot burring rubber with a faceful of stick-on whisker-fluff, will now have to search for something like ‘Coolturd Uvavu’ on You-Tub – or simply click on the image below. Because if you did watch it on TV you’d probably rush out to sign up with Uber and then proceed to terrify the living carp out of some unsuspecting would-be fares.

“We’re disappointed,” Uvavu said, insisting that ‘road safety is hugely important to us and we have done a lot of work, particularly over the last two years, to help promote safer driving.” The yellow insurer said it sympathised with viewers who might have felt that the “advert may have sent out the wrong message”.

The right message, apparently, and Bankstone News would never have guessed this if Uvavu hadn’t explained it to us, is that everyone should get telematics installed in their cars so that people like Davey C would be punished with punitive premiums, and people who drove around nicely (even if they weren’t driving taxis) would be rewarded with things like vaguely affordable motor insurance and not having handfuls of bigfoot pubes glued to their faces.

“We wanted to produce an advert which presented this idea” (i.e. the idea that it’s best to drive safely and responsibly and maybe get a black box fitted) “in a completely different way,” Uvavu explained.

Mission accomplished, there, Lads.

Is it Coolturd? Is it Vettel? Who knows with that beard!


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