October 27, 2014

Not since Leeds traffic officers in the early 1970s began carrying snarling black and white tapirs in the backs of their vehicles, threatening to unleash these vicious South American predators on the ne’er-do-well law-flouting inhabitants of the city’s less appealing under-zones, has such a radical and controversial law-enforcement initiative been undertaken in Britain.

Bankstone News learned this week that Bradford cops have begun deploying a crack team of ‘nuisance motorcyclists’ to weave in and out of slow-moving traffic, plough through ranks of empty metal dustbins down narrow cobbled side streets, leap dramatically from one loosely-slated rooftop to another etc in hot pursuit of wrong-doers on (and above) the mean streets of B Town.

Some local residents (presumably the ones with something to hide) have expressed concern over the hair-raising antics of the specialist unit that’s already being referred to – even by their own handlers – as the ‘anti-social bike team’ but the dramatic effects of their unorthodox crime busting tactics were clear for all to see last week when nuisance bikers played an instrumental role in recovering a white van just eight minutes after it got stolen.

Driven away in the notorious Low Moor area (Lo-Mo to its denizens), the white Ford Transient vehicle was found up a Thornbury back alley within little more than two shakes of a lamb’s tail. All thanks to the go-anywhere do-anything antics of the nuisance bike boys.

Commander Dave Spokesman paid fulsome tribute to the plucky anti-socialists and their nippy two-wheeled machines: “The nuisance motorcycle team is staffed by dedicated police officers who move quickly through traffic and, on this occasion, allowed us to find the stolen vehicle quickly, and possibly prevent the loss of property from within the vehicle.”

Will other police forces around the country will take heed of this deeply unorthodox but highly effective new approach to possible crime prevention? Or will it go the same way as the Tapir Squad, whose operations were quickly shut down, with the tapirs donated – with tragically unforeseen consequences – to a private petting zoo near Doncaster.

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