October 22, 2010

Lubrication specialists Mobil 1 have conclusively proved that they share initials with Britain’s worst road. The M1 near Sheffield was adjudged to be the very worst stretch of tarmac in all the land.

Lubester boffins got TV chef James Martin to drive around shortlisted best and worst roads collecting data on road noise and vibrations, whilst also monitoring his heartbeat and harvesting a stress indicating hormone called Cortisol from some undisclosed portion of his anatomy.

From this data, the whitecoats at M1 developed an equation that ranks best and worst routes by dividing the sum of their physical readings of the road by the total of physiological recordings taken from Baby James’ Body and multiplying the result by the first number they thought of.

The three best roads – where Martin experienced “real adrenaline-fuelled highlights” (perhaps they should have measured that too) amidst “scenery I didn’t even know we have in this country” – were the A82 between Glasgow and Fort William (a less pleasant experience, obviously, if you’re heading the other way), the A537 Cat & Fiddle and the A3 at Devil’s Punchbowl – which, like the nearby Hogsback has long been a popular spot with ramblers, naturalists and doggers.

The three worst roads were the aforementioned M1 near Sheffield, Birmingham’s Spaghetti Junction, and the M8 Edinburgh to Glasgow.

But Mobil 1 wasn’t doing all this just for the hell of it. Oh no. All that delicious data has now been fed into a brand new iPhone app call Open Road whose climate-destroying agenda is to “inspire the Great British Public to rediscover the simple pleasure of driving.”


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