October 23, 2015

Convicted hit and run driver Nicholas Regan is clearly a wrong ‘un, coming as he does from Basildon Essex. Right minded persons up and down the land will surely rejoice at his recent conviction on the strength of telematics data.

It happened like this.

Wrong ‘un Nick Regan, 24, was wending his merry way home from a Christmas party when the white BMW courtesy car he was driving chanced to knock down unfortunate passer-by Giuseppe Tocco.

Momentarily uncertain as to the best course of action under these unfortunate circumstances, Regan quickly resolved to continue on his merry way and file his inconvenient yuletide misadventure in the folder marked ‘things that never happened’.

Fearing, on reflection, that a Tocco-shaped indentation in the forward portions of the courtesy vehicle might subsequently incriminate him, Regan had the brilliant idea of ditching the hire car and continuing on foot, enabling him, he calculated shrewdly, to furnish himself with a stroke-of-genius type alibi, should he subsequently find himself charged with having been involved in the aforementioned unfortunate circumstances, by simply maintaining that the car had been stolen earlier that evening and that any hitting and running must clearly have been the work of whichever ne’er-do-well had nefariously made off with the pearly white Beemer.

How Regan must have congratulated himself on this inspired subterfuge when the rozzers did indeed come knocking at his door asking awkward questions about the circumstances under which a certain white BMW had come to bouleverse Mr Tocco. “Nothing to do with me, Mate,” Regan could now confidently declare. “I ‘ad it nicked,” he might have added brazenly, “I don’t know nothing about it.”

Ten months went by. Police were pretty sure Naughty Nick was lying, but had no witness to support such suspicions. Or had they?

Must witnesses be human? In an age when a couple of robots can do the work a dozen unemployed layabouts were formerly retained to carry out, could some machine not supply the want of human testimony? Of course it could! Step forward (not literally, no legs, obviously) our old friend Black Box.

Quick as a flash police had top telematics expert (and Springfield’s best-loved convenience store proprietor) APU interrogate the courtesy Beemer’s data box and established beyond any shadow of a doubt that Regan – not some hypothetically trumped-up thief – was at the wheel when car and Tocco came together so unhappily.

His wicked lies laid bare for all to see, Regan had no option but to bow before the word of telematics and fess up to his vile attempt to compound the sin of festive hit and running with perving-up the course of justice. Net result: nine months suspended at Her Maj’s pleasure, 200 hours hard labour, plus an 18-month driving ban.

As for the unfortunate Mr Tocco, he’s back on his feet and doing well, for all we know. He’s probably fine. He’s really not important to this story anyway. So, yeah…

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