January 19, 2017

Have you ever noticed how often you’ll see groups of bad drivers hanging around menacingly on petrol station forecourts?

Clustered around the hose docks, they jostle and heckle innocent passers by, occasionally nipping inside the kiosk to purchase additional Red Bull, Nice ’n’ Spicy Nik Naks or Handy Travel Wipes, or getting behind the wheel to rev their noisy engines.

Well, this isn’t just a random pattern of congregation, Readers. Far from it. The terrifying fact is that bad drivers simply cannot afford to stray too far from the forecourt. It’s like bees or macaws or sharks or something.

New research has revealed that bad drivers must return again and again to the pumps – or they will quite literally run out of fuel.

According to insurance merchants Direct Lime, this is because bad drivers compete for territory and status by driving aggressively, and the vast amounts of energy this requires makes huge demands on their fuel reserves.

Sensible drivers, Direct Lice insist, need to visit a petrol station as rarely as once a month. Being a bad driver, on the other hand, adds roughly £50 to your monthly fuel bill and requires massively more frequent fuel station stop-offs.

With fuel prices rising, Direct Lie warn, bad drivers (with their notoriously heavy right feet) pay an additional penalty for their aggressive behaviour through wear and tear to components such as tyres, rakes, clunges and in-car entertainment systems.

Direct Lite telematician Paul “Young Offenders” Felton says “This new research really brings home” what a bad idea it is to espouse the lifestyle of a bad driver.

“When you add the fuel savings,” Paul says, and the fact that “wearable components” like brakes and stuff keep needing to be replaced, it’s clear that bad drivers should do us all a favour and abandon their aggressive and economically unsustainable ways.

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