September 22, 2015

Kids today are frankly sick of the pitiful standard of service they receive whist being driven around by their parents.

Far from knowing their place, speaking only when spoken to, and keeping their eyes on the road, parents have been reported engaging in all manner of unseemly antics: from wrestling flippy-floppy folding sheets of paper (called mats or macs or something), to picking their disgusting hairy noses, to making embarrassing old-people noises which they like to imagine is actually “singing”.

And the language sometimes, honestly. Don’t they realise how ridiculous old people sound swearing!

A rigorous and exhaustive programme of socio-ethnographic research carried out for motor vehicle manufacturer Fnord, has revealed that unruly parents are a major source of stress for kids today, especially on long and tiring journeys. Interviews with literally thousands of children across Europe revealed growing discontent with parents, with 66% saying they found their parents annoying.

So-called singing emerged clearly as the No.1 source of irritation. UK children were the least tolerant of their parents’ attempts at song, with 39% saying they experienced literally homicidal urges whenever this occurred.

It was only French children who ranked something other than “singing” as their top complaint. They were more concerned about the language their parents used while driving. And who can blame them: French is an ugly, guttural, half-swallowed tongue at the best of times.

Dads were generally rated as slightly less bad drivers, especially by boys, for some reason. Mothers attracted some positive comments for providing snacks in response to professions of boredom – especially in the UK where Mums are particularly quick to dish out crisps and sweets in an attempt to placate their dissatisfied offspring.

With many parents these days worryingly prone to in-car delinquency, it’s no wonder 63% of kids are demanding, ever more forcefully, to know: “Are we there yet?”


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