May 31, 2017

Alcoholics Anonymous life president and chairperson in chief King Edmund of St Albans has spoken out about the unspeakably vile phenomenon of so-called dash cam voyeurism.

Except he hasn’t really. At least not in terms sufficiently blunt for Bankstone News to have the faintest idea what he’s going on about. Perhaps it’s because he’s simply too decent and scrupulous to spell it out, or because he worries there might be women, children or members of the clergy listening.

Hinting obscurely at acts of ‘voyeurism’ (technically, pervy looking), King Edmund resolutely declined – across a variety of news organs this week – to delineate with any clarity precisely what foulness might be involved in what he euphemistically refers to as ‘vehicular voyeurism’.

Despite being more than willing to accept that dash cams might have innocent, decent, even salutary applications in this modern day and age, King Edmund expressed concern about ‘a degree of voyeurism from some individuals.’

Whilst denying that he thinks dash cams and so-called ‘helmet’ cams should be banned (although, clearly, banning things is often a good idea), King Ed said he’s concerned that a small number of people are deliberately setting out to capture ‘clips’ with them.

Rather than calling at once for an outright and immediate ban on dash cams, King Edmund has suggested that we might perhaps do well to look at some other countries where they are not so spinelessly permissive and maybe do things just a little differently.

Look at Belgium, for example, (not in a pervy way, obviously). In Belgium you have to get written consent from anyone who features in dash cam footage that you share online (even if they’re fully clothed).

It’s the same in Portugal, only warmer. While in Italy you can film all you like, but ‘number plates must be blurred’, an effect you can sometimes achieve by driving extremely fast and/or (responsibly) drinking vast amounts of grappa after a hearty cinghiale, chianti and truffle snack pot.

In Luxembourg, they don’t fuss around. Dash cams are flat-out banned in Luxland. Drive around with one of those babies fitted there, and you could end up in Schrassig, where, Bankstone News has it on good authority, they’ll throw away the key if you so much as look at your gaoler funny.

In Germany and Austria, you can use a dash cam (but not – a surprisingly easy mistake to make – a dachshund) if you absolutely insist, but be ready to be frowned upon, since, as King Ed notes, their use is “highly discouraged” in the EU’s Teutonic Zone.

So maybe we should just ban them. Othersie, before we know it, we could end up in a situation where, King Edmund darkly alludes, ‘people exploit the benefits of dash cameras for their own purposes. If you like the voyeurism aspect.’

Without understanding exactly what ‘the voyeurism aspect’ entails, Bankstone News cannot definitively say whether we like it or not. But we’re pretty sure a man like King Edmund wouldn’t be taking such public (if perhaps a trifle ambiguous) exception if there weren’t something quite significantly distasteful and disreputable about it.

So, tentatively for now, we’re going to say we don’t like it and that it should be banned at once.


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